“He laughed that laugh he laughs when he wants you to feel small” shocked and relieved to learn my father is not the only one to pull that one out when faced with confrontation
I recently moved back to my parents (lost my job) after ten years, and my father (who is a alcoholic child) had one of his tantrums. I sat there and looked at my mother while this whole ordeal was taking place and for the first time I called her a coward. For years she stayed with a drunk who threaten her children, who does silent treatments like a toddler and he can’t even say a single “I’m sorry”.
If this is what marriage becomes, I’ll happily die as a spinster
from a fellow member of a screaming family: may you have enough money to afford therapy for the reste of your life because your father thinks that he can solve his issues without professional help. we're fighting the fight every single day
It has taken me about 100 years of internal solitude to be halfway okay with telling my father the truth about how he has and can still hurt me - it seems its landing somewhere, but how to deal with wanting to desperately hug someone and hit them at the same time?
This used to be my reality (it still is in some ways). I would hole up in my room, counting down the days until I was rid of them, and promising myself I would never be like them. Now I'm away from them but the hurt child still lives within me. I'm slowly learning to nurture that inner child myself because my family has and will never do it for me. Sending love your way, always <3
As my mom said, "We didn't receive unconditional love. It doesn't exist." But now they are dead and the minutes are all mine to choose without having to rush to handle their needs and decrepitude. That's a rich cycle to go through.
the 'parenting your parents' really hit me. It's so difficult to explain boundaries and the meaning of the word 'no' to people who have raised you. it leaves me questioning how, if they knew these terms previously, whether or not I'd have formed differently. my conclusion is probably. i mean, if i grew up with the understanding that the word no isn't inherently malicious, maybe I would have said it more often. maybe i wouldn't have been plagued with being a people-pleaser. thank you for this Dronme. i look forward to all the rambles that are yet to come xx
my problem with daddy issues is that it completely absolves father's of the detriment they've caused their daughters as if it our fault for then having averse reactions to being treated badly. but yes it's true my issues are my own and not necessarily all stemming from my father's failings. I never realised it was a loaded misogynistic term until I found this misogynistic, birth rate declining obsessed, "women have too high dating standards" lame man called Chris Williamson and his blind followers commenting on his YouTube videos.
You write incredibly well. What a lift your words provide. Just wanted to say that I went through that for decades... My dad's mom told me to move away and then when I return they'll have to treat me with respect. I said, "Why do I have to move to bad weather to be treated right?" Then they are all dead. What I want to say is recognize that wounded people wound people and spend your time healing and strengthening you. Don't let them rob your health. They gave you life. You have life. Without health life is limited. You have incredible aptitude and can spell it out. Focus on your gift. When I was in my 50s my dad said I should have published my poems when I wrote them in my teens. We must find and cling to our own perceptions of ourselves and not theirs which are limited! Also, reminding them that when they are old and needing your assistance, perhaps turn around is fair play.
Fucking brilliant how you can take lived in concepts from my brain and perfectly them to words! Thank you for showing up and helping us feel seen, understood, and rallied for.
it’s always about respect or disrespect… if i had a dollar for every time this was thrown at me! seems like maybe no boomer man was taught self respect by the men before them. i don’t think it was required really, they just woke up every day with a penis & a position of power? :) hang in
May we all rally against the father-as-adult-baby industrial complex ✌🏾
“He laughed that laugh he laughs when he wants you to feel small” shocked and relieved to learn my father is not the only one to pull that one out when faced with confrontation
I am reading all of this kneeling down at a blue grass concert, feet burning & back aching. Thank you for your service.
I recently moved back to my parents (lost my job) after ten years, and my father (who is a alcoholic child) had one of his tantrums. I sat there and looked at my mother while this whole ordeal was taking place and for the first time I called her a coward. For years she stayed with a drunk who threaten her children, who does silent treatments like a toddler and he can’t even say a single “I’m sorry”.
If this is what marriage becomes, I’ll happily die as a spinster
Yep, living alone is the diggity dig way to do it. Can still get all your needs met without the drama.
from a fellow member of a screaming family: may you have enough money to afford therapy for the reste of your life because your father thinks that he can solve his issues without professional help. we're fighting the fight every single day
It has taken me about 100 years of internal solitude to be halfway okay with telling my father the truth about how he has and can still hurt me - it seems its landing somewhere, but how to deal with wanting to desperately hug someone and hit them at the same time?
This used to be my reality (it still is in some ways). I would hole up in my room, counting down the days until I was rid of them, and promising myself I would never be like them. Now I'm away from them but the hurt child still lives within me. I'm slowly learning to nurture that inner child myself because my family has and will never do it for me. Sending love your way, always <3
As my mom said, "We didn't receive unconditional love. It doesn't exist." But now they are dead and the minutes are all mine to choose without having to rush to handle their needs and decrepitude. That's a rich cycle to go through.
the 'parenting your parents' really hit me. It's so difficult to explain boundaries and the meaning of the word 'no' to people who have raised you. it leaves me questioning how, if they knew these terms previously, whether or not I'd have formed differently. my conclusion is probably. i mean, if i grew up with the understanding that the word no isn't inherently malicious, maybe I would have said it more often. maybe i wouldn't have been plagued with being a people-pleaser. thank you for this Dronme. i look forward to all the rambles that are yet to come xx
Painful and true, trying to claw my way to freedom too. Good to see it on the page of someone else’s diary.
my problem with daddy issues is that it completely absolves father's of the detriment they've caused their daughters as if it our fault for then having averse reactions to being treated badly. but yes it's true my issues are my own and not necessarily all stemming from my father's failings. I never realised it was a loaded misogynistic term until I found this misogynistic, birth rate declining obsessed, "women have too high dating standards" lame man called Chris Williamson and his blind followers commenting on his YouTube videos.
You write incredibly well. What a lift your words provide. Just wanted to say that I went through that for decades... My dad's mom told me to move away and then when I return they'll have to treat me with respect. I said, "Why do I have to move to bad weather to be treated right?" Then they are all dead. What I want to say is recognize that wounded people wound people and spend your time healing and strengthening you. Don't let them rob your health. They gave you life. You have life. Without health life is limited. You have incredible aptitude and can spell it out. Focus on your gift. When I was in my 50s my dad said I should have published my poems when I wrote them in my teens. We must find and cling to our own perceptions of ourselves and not theirs which are limited! Also, reminding them that when they are old and needing your assistance, perhaps turn around is fair play.
Time to add "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay C. Gibson to your book list.
The laugh. THE DEMEANING LAUGH 🤮
Fucking brilliant how you can take lived in concepts from my brain and perfectly them to words! Thank you for showing up and helping us feel seen, understood, and rallied for.
This one really hit home, thanks Dronme. 💜
it’s always about respect or disrespect… if i had a dollar for every time this was thrown at me! seems like maybe no boomer man was taught self respect by the men before them. i don’t think it was required really, they just woke up every day with a penis & a position of power? :) hang in